


Perpetuity

by LittleSweetCheeks



Series: Gershwin [11]
Category: Madam Secretary
Genre: Don't Shoot Me, F/M, Future Fic, Major character death - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:07:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27120883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSweetCheeks/pseuds/LittleSweetCheeks
Summary: A snapshot in the future.
Relationships: Blake Moran/Nadine Tolliver
Series: Gershwin [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1898866
Comments: 9
Kudos: 8





	Perpetuity

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't kill me for this. I really don't know where it came from. I clearly can't have nice things. I suppose after this I can't break this one any more?

Blake stared out the airplane window, not really seeing the clouds beyond. A phone call while enjoying an odd afternoon with all his kids at once had sent him to pack and find a ticket for he and his youngest daughter.

=MS=

** One day prior. **

_“Dad!” His fourteen-year-old daughter, his anarchist baby girl, had shouted. “Your phone was ringing!” She waved it in the air._

_“Who was it?”_

_She only shrugged. “I don’t know.” She dropped it in his lap and frowned at her older siblings tossing around a football. Blake mused not for the first time how she was so unlike her much older brothers and sister._

_“Fair enough.” He knew when not to push, just like he knew with her mother and grandmother. If there was one thing Blake was excellent at, it was reading the many moods of the McCord women. He looked at the screen and frowned himself. Roman had called. “Why don’t you go play ball?”_

_She tossed her head back and groaned._

_“Give me two minutes, Dia.”_

_With a huff and a flounce, she vanished._

_He pressed redial and waited. “Hey, Roman.”_

_The tension was audible. “Mom fell. Fractured her hip.”_

_“How bad?”_

=MS=

He’d known when the call had come in that he was getting on a plane to California. He squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to think about how he’d let time get away from him on what had, at one time, been the most important relationship of his life. He’d done the mental math and then did it again before refusing to imagine what time must’ve done to change her.

He knew what it’d done to change him.

He wasn’t the same guy who’d rushed through halls around DC anymore, time had finally slowed him down. He’d allowed it to make him a bad friend. Eighteen years ago, he never would have believed he would’ve let it get like this.

=MS=

** Nineteen years prior. **

_Giggles made Blake look up from his desk, curious. It was one thirty and that meant all his kids were meant to be upstairs resting with the nanny._

_He stood and eased the door to Elizabeth’s office open to find his would-be mother-in-law on the floor in front of her desk with four little blonde heads all leaned in with hers. He crossed his arms and waited to see what they were up to. Then he heard it. A tiny mewl._

_“How the hell did you get a kitten in here?!” He’d exclaimed it before he’d even thought it through._

_Five-year-old Sam hadn’t missed it thought. “Daddy said a word!”_

_“Yes, he did.” Elizabeth agreed before turning to look up at him. “And I have my ways.”_

_“If you gave your security the slip again, I’m going to make you start wearing a tracking anklet.” He’d huffed. “We don’t need a kitten.” Of course, three-year-old Isla was already snuggling the tabby. “Elizabeth. We have enough pets.”_

=MS=

The cat had stayed, six months later followed by a friend. There had also been three rabbits, two birds, and a turtle. He never did figure out how she was getting the animals in.

He’d lamented that night to Nadine about it, but she’d only laughed and told him it was a grandmother’s prerogative. He would’ve been upset except, as she’d giggled at his expense, she’d been rocking one-year-old Joshua to sleep. Back then, even one less kid to tuck in was enough to get him to forgive almost anything.

He glanced at his daughter in the seat beside him to see that she was still okay before letting his mind wander again. She was the only kid of his to not really grow up in the White House. The twins spent six years there, Isla almost five, and Josh nearly four.

He’d never meant it to be that way, for there to be so many of them, but he knew well that McCords never did anything by half measures.

His children were quite literally the light of his life and the greatest thing he’d ever done and bringing Sam and Jake home and then to the White House had been the icing on the already wonderful cake that his life had become. He and Stevie never married but lived together and coparented…with benefits.

Benefits that had her bashfully smiling at him three weeks after the twins’ first birthday.

And again, eight weeks after Isla had been born.

Three under two had sounded scary, but he’d made a career out of controlling chaos, especially McCord chaos. But four under three… well, that had left him breathing into a paper bag while Nadine had smirked and asked him if he’d figured out yet how it kept happening.

She’d been his confidant as much as she’d been Elizabeth’s.

Their lives were all split into tidy chapters- Before State, After State, White House, After White House. After the White House, he and Stevie had found a home in Virginia, halfway between the city and the farm, and had moved the kids into a new world were there wasn’t staff on hand around the clock or security to keep the world safe. Stevie started a good career and he settled into a mundane world of advising and writing. He taught a bit here and there, but mostly to just keep himself busy.

There were dinners from time to time with Nadine, but they had become irregular. His time was spent on raising his family and he loved that more than anything.

The summer the boys had turned ten, the ‘Moran Foursome’ headed to the farm for a few weeks and left he and Stevie to celebrate her promotion. There was no longer a lingering shadow of helping her parents run their lives, her life was finally her own. The celebration had involved a bottle of wine…or two.

Six and a half months later, the daughter at his side now arrived. Dramatically. Early. Rocking their world.

Where the Foursome were solid and tall and athletic, looking so much like their mother’s side of the family, his sweet little girl had arrived a fraction their size and not just because she was so early. Even now at fourteen, she was small and slight and looked nothing like her siblings. She had been different.

His youngest didn’t grow up knowing the life her older siblings had. Grandma was never president to her; she’d never been in the White House.

Unlike the three pregnancies before, with the fourth, Stevie had not been happy and never seemed to come out of it. She’d ended up with sever postpartum depression which had left Blake juggling five kids on his own. Aware of how serious mental health issues could get, he’d pushed her to seek whatever help she’d needed to get better again.

After recovering, Stevie had asked him to move out.

She’d also asked him to take the baby with him.

The Foursome spent their formative years in a two-parent home, even if it wasn’t conventional; but his spirited youngest daughter grew up apart.

=MS=

** Fourteen years prior **

_“How do I do this?” Blake stared up from his spot on the couch. He was back in a small apartment again, his infant daughter in his lap._

_“One day at a time, Blake.” Nadine answered. “You’ll do okay.”_

_“I never wanted to see Stevie so destroyed like that.”_

_“I know.”_

_“I thought loving our children would be enough.”_

_There’s no answer and he finally looked up to see her arching a brow at him. “Is that why you made so many?”_

_He couldn’t help the chuckle. “I swear, I do know how they are made.”_

_“Finally.”_

_“I tried to love her.”_

_“I know.”_

_“I don’t regret any of it.”_

_“I know that too.”_

_He looked at Nadia and then back up to Nadine, but stayed silent, letting his eyes speak for him._

_“I know.” She echoed again._

=MS=

The Foursome had busy lives that kept them from making the flight out to see ‘Aunt Nadine’ and he decided that perhaps that was his own fault. She’d moved just over seven years ago, and he’d never made the effort either. Sure, he talked to her on the phone and talked to Roman as well. The latter was more like a brother now, the one who had boys just ahead of his own and he could ask advice of.

Blake weaved his way through the hospital halls until he found the right ward. “Roman.” He spotted the other man and closed the distance, offering his hand only to be pulled into a hug. “I should’ve come before, I’m sorry.”

“You’re here now.” Roman’s eyes moved to the teen curiously looking around. “And this must be Nadia… Wow, Blake.”

“I know.” He felt his daughter’s eyes snap to him, but he didn’t think it was the time to explain to her what other people saw in her. She’d understand once she was old enough. “How is she doing?”

“They have her on a few pain medications. Right now, they think it’s doesn’t warrant surgery, just time resting.”

Blake chuckled despite himself. “Right, because they’ll actually happen.”

Roman shrugged but nodded in agreement. They both knew how determined his mother could get about staying active and moving. “She’s this. I- I should warn you… Since you last saw her in person, she’s… she’s lost a lot of weight.”

_Since he’d last saw her in person_ … Blake rolled the comment around in his head. Too many years since that had happened.

At the right room, Blake paused in the doorway. The hospital gown, he’d expected, as well as the wired for monitors and IVs; but he hadn’t expected the reality of time to slam into his quite so hard. Her hair is past her shoulders again as it fanned out against the pillows, but it’s gray now with only streaked hints of the dark brown that lingered in his memory. She’s still pale, but age spots, unhidden by makeup, disturb the memory of porcelain. He could see why Roman had given him the warning about her weight, even through the thin cotton he could tell she was more skin and bone now than anything else, but his mind offered the memory of how she’d looked toned and solid and elegant.

Her eyes were closed, and he took the time to think to himself that he’d failed her by letting his life take his full attention. When they fluttered open finally, as if she’d sensed he was standing there, his memories seemed to line up with the present. He saw her. He saw her over the nearly thirty years he’d known her- every mood, every day, every knowing glance.

“Hey.” It came out more as a breath, but she’d taken his breath away just as she’d always done.

“Blake.” He watched her eyes light up and a smile break despite the pain he suspected she was in. “Who’s this?”

He glanced down as if he’d forgotten his daughter had come along. “My youngest, Nadia.” He reminded her of her name. It had been far too many years and his baby had been so young. “Nadia, I’m not sure if you remember who this is, but this is your godmother. You brothers and sister always called her Aunt Nadine.”

The teen stared a minute before finally mumbling out a hello, receiving a warning nudge from him but an amused grin from Nadine.

“Let her go find Shindy, Blake. I can’t believe you dragged the poor girl out here. You should’ve left her at home with Elizabeth.”

The mention of her grandmother caught Nadia’s attention. “You know my Grandma?”

“I do.” Blake saw her eyes twinkle. “That’s why I know you would’ve preferred to spend a few days on the farm with her instead of here. Blake, go find Roman and Shindy and let your poor daughter have a bit of fun.” She instructed again.

He did as he’s told and returned fifteen minutes later child free, taking a seat in the chair beside her bed. “Now don’t lie, how’s the pain?”

“Bearable.” She sighed. “Tell me about the kids.”

“Sam took the foreign service exam already and Jake has been headhunted by The Company. Isla is out of school and just recently told me she’s taken a job at State.”

“And Josh?”

“After a very competitive back and forth between UVA and Harvard, he is off to Harvard Law because he likes to cost me money I don’t have.” When she laughed, he allowed a grin to appear. “He’s a smart kid, he should’ve seen that I was already shelling out for the first three.” He sighed, mocking exasperation. “And my god, they all look like Stevie so much it hurts.” He’d never held back talking about Stevie with her, not even in the beginning.

“How is she?”

“Happy. Married now to lawyer named Chad. They’re so cute together it’s disgusting.” His voice was teasing as he said it. He liked Chad. A lot. Chad was one of the good guys.

“But he’s a good guy?”

“He was fully vetted.” He pretended to misunderstand until she cocked a brow at him. “No, he’s great. All the kids love him, even my anarchist.” And they did. It took Chad a bit to get used to Stevie’s not-ex-ex living in a house across the street now, but he’d soon worked out how it all worked.

This was the easy part, was always the easy part, talking about his kids. He’d come to her so often from the time he knew they were coming until she’d moved away. She’d been the one to tell him to suck it up when Stevie’d struggled so much, first with depression after Nadia was born, and then with the desire to finally have her career, leaving him to be full time dad.

When Stevie had awoke after surgery, it was to hear that he’d already named the tiny baby without her. He had insisted it was a name that would make her strong. Perhaps it had, but it had also been a name Stevie had been unable to ignore. It was a real reminder of their fake relationship.

“Be patient with her.” She chided gently.

“Oh, I am. Stevie says I’m too indulgent.”

“Perhaps that’s not a bad thing.” Her eyes drifted shut and he thought she’d drifted off until she spoke again. “Come here, Blake.” He’s not sure what she wanted until she patted the space on her good side. “Come up here.”

There was just enough room that he could balance on his side and wrap an arm around her and as soon as he’d done it, it was like none of the past two and a half decades had happened. He let his eyes slip shut and then he was in an instant back in a bed in much the same position; nervously holding her close as if if he held too tight, she’d break. Back when he’d been worried about staring down thirty instead of sixty. Back when he didn’t know yet that the best parts of his life were still ahead of him instead of suspecting they were behind him.

She shifted in his arms, scooting her shoulder further into his chest and he tipped his head forward, his face in her hair and he inhaled.

He could feel as she smiled. “Still the same.”

“So are you.” She turned her head further into him and he could feel her eyelashes against his skin. “Always the same. My Blake.”

He closed his eyes at her words.

=MS=

** Twenty-five years prior **

_He felt guilty at the admission he’d made on the plane. It pained him that he’d said it out loud. He’d never wanted to hurt her but a small part of him knew he’d done just that._

_So, he did what he’d always done when he thought he’d screwed everything up, he begged her to come over for the night and then pulled her onto the sofa beside him after dinner. “I’m sorry for hurting you.”_

_“You didn’t hurt me.” She ran her hand through his hair and then down his chest. “I think maybe you hurt you.”_

_He pulled back to see her face. “I don’t understand.”_

_“No matter what you chose, you’re the one who is going to have to give something up. No one else.” She placed a kiss to his lips. “But no matter what you do, I will always love you. You will always be my Blake.”_

=MS=

His eyes opened again, and he blinked, looking around the room. She was asleep now and he allowed himself to revel in being able to hold her close once again. Looking around the room, his brows knit together when a name on a bag going into one of her IVs caught his attention. A machine whirred and clicked and then the door whispered open allowing Roman in.

Roman’s eyes took them both in together before he eased the door closed again. He glanced at the monitors before he sighed and took a seat in the abandoned chair. “She’ll be asleep for a while now.” His voice was at normal volume. “So, did she tell you then?”

“Tell me what?”

He frowned. “She didn’t want you to know before, said you were too busy living your life and she didn’t want to pile on… Just after she moved out here to live with me, she got the diagnosis. It was why she was in pain, that was never arthritis. She had…has…cancer. We’d think we’d beat it back and it’d come up again. This fall- this fracture… they did bloodwork again.” He sighed. “They’ve recommended palliative care this time.”

It felt like his heart had stopped beating in his chest. “She’s dying?”

Roman nodded. “I’m sorry you had to find out like this.”

Pushing to a seated position, Blake stared down at her. It felt like only yesterday he’d had a bouquet of roses delivered to her for eightieth. And seventieth. And sixtieth, if he was being honest with himself. And it’d all happened in a single blink of an eye.

“Look.” Roman carried on. “She won’t say anything, you and I both know how she is with keeping things private, but I want you here as long as you want to stay. She never… she never really raised me with any kind of religion, but I think it would be good for her to have the people she loves the most with her for as much of the end as possible. Good for her… good for us too.”

He nodded absently. “What’s- what’s the care plan?”

“Her hip doesn’t need surgery, so care and therapy to give her some mobility, but mostly pain relief so she’s comfortable. Shindy and I have already prepared the boys for what’s coming.” He choked up then. “She’s my mom… I can’t believe how much time I wasted missing out on that.”

“But you made up for it.”

“Yeah.” They lapsed into silence for several minutes. “Shindy and Nadia are out shopping, they’ll be out all day so…” He sighed. “She looks so much like you, Blake. She has your eyes and your hair.”

“My nose, my ears.” He huffed in amusement; he’d heard it all before. “All the spirit of generations of McCords and Adams that came before her crammed into the smallest package possible.”

=MS=

He hadn’t moved from the bed, even after Roman had finally left again. The other man had been right though, Nadine had stayed asleep for quite some time before stirring beside him, her eyes opening to find his face.

She studied him carefully. “He told you.”

“Yes.”

“I wish he wouldn’t have done that.”

“I’m glad he did. It would’ve been worse to hear about it after.”

Her hand cupped his cheek. “But now you’re hurting.”

He covered hers with his own. “I’ll get over it.” He held her gaze, remembering a time in their life when he would’ve been welcome to offer more comfort. “I could call Daisy and Jay. Elizabeth will want to know even though I don’t think she’d be able to fly out. They’ll all want a chance to-”

“Blake.” She cut him off. “I’m sorry.”

He pulled away and climbed off the bed. “…Why?”

Tears appeared in her eyes. “Because of this. Because it’s too painful to see others in such pain over me. It’s selfish, I know.” She held her hand out until he finally relented and took it, returning to her side.

“I’m not ready to let go.”

“I know.”

“I-” His voice caught, a thousand memories of conversations just like this one echoed back through all of time in his mind. “I love you more than anything in the world.”

“I know that too.”

He had to choke back tears. “Do you believe in an afterlife? Maybe… maybe we’ll find one another there.”

“And you can play me an encore.”

=MS=

He’d gone to the funeral on the West Coast, had brought all the kids with him that time; and then he’d attended the memorial back in DC, sans kids.

The funeral had been beautiful, the memorial heartfelt, but this- this here and now, Blake was sure this was how she would’ve wanted it done.

The sun was beginning to set as he stared out over the open ocean, he was alone as he sat in the sand. The tide would be coming in soon.

A cool breeze blew off the chilly water and he shivered. The sky began to shift through shades of oranges and reds and he finally stood, taking a stick, and artfully scrawling her name in the sand below the line of seagrass and driftwood before returning to his spot.

When the waves began to lap over her name, he blocked everything out and watched it begin to vanish, fading into the abyss of the ocean. The oranges above him faded as well until the sky was nothing but black dotted with millions of stars.

In the bag by his side, he dug around until he found the box Roman had given him and opened it. In it sat a ring that copied the sky above. He stared at it and then at the place where her name was nearly invisible now. “I love you more than anything in this world.” He whispered into the breeze, willing some power beyond that maybe she could still hear him.

The silence and the soft waves were the only sound as the night took over and then, there were it felt like it was only the two of them, he remembered the first song he’d ever sung for her and began it again.


End file.
